There's no eggs left.

I have to admit as soon as the words "Ovarian failure" were thrown into the mix the fear became very real. I have never been one of those women who is desperate to have children early on and its not even something I was even 100% sure I did definitely want, but as soon as someone tells you you can't have something your mindset automatically changes and I knew I needed got get some answers and act fast. Sadly for me the waiting list was a long one and I couldn't get an appointment with a fertility specialist in the NHS for another 6-8 months. This in my mind was a time precious issue, what happens if each day I was getting closer to the menopause and ultimate infertility. What happened if each day more and more eggs were withering away. I knew I had to get seen quickly so I could at least get my options on the table and get ahead. My body had already blind sided me and started this descent into menopause I had to regain some control. I probably still had time to freeze some eggs and then I wouldn't need to worry about this again until I was ready to unfreeze them and start a family when I was good and ready.

I managed to arrange an appointment online within a week with a fertility specialist in central London. I went on my own. Friends and family had offered to accompany me but ultimately this was something I felt I needed to face on my own. I was single and this was something I was going through myself in my own body. I knew that I would get answers from the specialist and I was aware that some of these may not be the ones I wanted, but I almost couldn't face doing that with anyone else in the room. I needed to process what ever was said myself and I couldn't worry about or manage anyone elses' reactions alongside my own.

As a doctor I have had many "difficult conversations" with patients over the years. I've learnt the structure you are supposed to follow to break the "bad news", I've sat there and empathised with patients over things I can't even begin to imagine they are going through. Regardless of how much you prepare yourself for "the worst" in whatever situation you may find yourself in I think it still stings when someone confirms your ultimate fear. I think part of me had hoped that even though my ovaries were "failing" we still had time to preserve some form of fertility and then life could get back on track. This had been a small hiatus, we could form a new plan and life could continue.

I told my story to the specialist but within minutes it was clear things were not going to just bounce back. We went over my blood results and symptoms again and I was advised it was highly likely I had "gone through" an early menopause. This was the first shock. I'd assumed it was a process that I was in the middle of transitioning through. I didn't realise I'd crossed the finish line without even realising I was part of the race. The specialist was direct but kind, they didn't give me false hope and they gave me practical options and steps to take. The compassion they showed I will remember forever and it made a very difficult conversation that little bit easier.

The next step was to get one more blood test to see if I had any eggs left and whether it would be possible to freeze them. I wasn't feeling hopeful, it was clear that things were more serious than I had initially anticipated but this was one last speck of hope. I think when life seems dim we all like to cling on to whatever light we can even if deep down you know its already starting to fade . The results were back within days and the phone call came to follow "I'm really sorry but unfortunately the tests have shown you have no eggs left."